To F^*% or Not to F^*%

Inevitably the topic arises and I have to explain. No one understands. The reactions vary. Why an otherwise healthy early-mid thirties woman would consciously CHOOSE celibacy is beyond any of their grasps. I am not unattractive so it isn't that I am trying to make lemonade from lemons. I get offers from both sides of the fence. It's just this simple.... at this point in my life a sexual relationship with anyone offers as much enticement as eating a bowl of raw haggis. NO THANK YOU.

Complications, hurt feelings, unmatched sex drives, and drama. Sex with women is just messy...in so many ways. What I have noticed over the last decade is that the years when I was seriously involved...I stopped evolving. I became half of something and found myself constantly having to consider what the other person wanted, thought, felt, expected...oy... the headache. One can not freely evolve when one must always consider someone else. Evolution is created by spontaneity and big bangs happening all around that send you on a journey. In a relationship... my journeys were often to the pizza parlor or the coffee shop. In the two years I was with my ex fiance.... that is what I did...I was WITH my ex fiance. My life hovered for two years and sort of spun it's little wheels. In the two and a half years since I ended my last relationship I have bought a condo alone, started a full time and a part time business, rescued a dog (and lost one), flown out west twice and left dirty dishes in the sink...all the time. I have stopped focusing my energy on whether my partner would be mad at me for being a lousy housekeeper (yes, they usually were) and started focusing my energy on my businesses and my life.

So, maybe my relationships have been unhealthy.... perhaps my partners expected too much of me. One once did tell me it was a business I wanted to start or her. How very supportive of her. Maybe I pick people I am not compatible with .... or maybe relationships are just messy beasts that often become who we are. We are no longer that guy Bill but we are Judy's boyfriend or husband. Perhaps I am unfairly judging relationships. Whether they are casual (anyone had much success having a CASUAL lesbian relationship? Um, hi.... uhaul?!) or more exclusive.... the idea of sharing myself and being expected to divvy up my time and journey in a way to complement someone else is just a big no.

Also, I have to admit... the longer I go without sex, the less I miss everything that goes along with it. I have developed an almost Monk-like prude germy eww factor about it all. I mean really.... when you think about it in all of it's glory... it ain't pretty. Sometimes it smells bad and sometimes it tastes bad. Sex isn't like pizza. There is such thing as bad sex. Pizza? Pizza is always good.