Ironic hipster t-shirt, anyone?

I had forgotten about this blog. Nearly a year has gone by since I wrote any of my thoughts... on anything. I am like this with blogs. Slightly fickle. This one is interesting however. You see, I write more completely here. I open up and speak what is really on my mind rather than hiding behind worries of who will read it or what may come of it. This is because I haven't told a soul about this blog. Sometimes we just need a safe place. I am semi anonymous here. Of course I am aware that a google search will pull this up, but who is going to scroll through 4 pages worth of misc. forum comments before they get here? I could write this in a private journal that isn't online but perhaps I secretly desire being found out? Perhaps I am slightly an exhibitionist. All bloggers must be a little.

Why haven't I told anyone? Yes, I am well aware that friends should be supportive, accepting, loving and free of expectations. The problems arise when your fluidity jars their own sense of self-identity. If I can say, what the hell... he's a man, and disregard the facts that sit all around me. An engagement with a woman, several casual, several sexual, and a couple other long term relationships ... all with women. He was the last one. The intense Buddhist from my past. I dreamt of him last year. I spoke of that in my first posting. A photo of him still sits on a shelf as a reminder of life's blessings. Of the strange things that can happen and change us forever. The facts are quite specific... it's been years past a decade since I was involved with a man or interested in being so.

The last several weeks were meant strictly as an experiment. I considered that I would probably have a few laughs and that was all. The purpose of the experiment was merely to check in with the universe. Make sure I wasn't missing out on anything. Then... there he was. I didn't realize it Thursday night but it sunk in the next day and simmered slowly over a back burner the entire weekend. I found myself unable to concentrate. I still find myself unable to concentrate. All I can think about is how badly I want to see him again. To sit across from him, or next to him. To stare into his blue eyes as he speaks so passionately and intently about those things he loves. He has a passion I haven't seen present in anyone in a long while. I have been celibate for 3.5 years and by my own choice....now all I have thought about since Friday is navigating this new found delirium correctly so I can feel his hands on me. Isn't life funny?

Now, let me clarify for a moment. I define myself as a lesbian because of this; if you line up 100 people that I find attractive, you will find yourself staring at 95 women and roughly 5 men. On the Kinsey scale that hardly makes me bi-sexual. However, I have also stated that because I do follow a more eastern set of spiritual and philosophical beliefs, including reincarnation, I cannot say that I would never be with a man again. For me to assume and EXPECT that a future lover, partner or friend would reincarnate strictly as one gender and only one gender is rather short sighted. Lastly, there are so few connections to make in this world. Why turn it away because it doesn't fit neatly into our compartmentalized identities. Why do we even need these boxes for ourselves?

Where do I go from here? I am not sure. I am afraid that I will be too assertive, too outspoken....roles I needed to take on in my previous arrangements with women. I was the more dominate personality, the initiator, the "man". Now how do I stop leading the dance? Does it matter? Will he care or perhaps he likes take charge women. I don't have the answers but this is a riddle I would like to explore.