I woke this morning from dreams that haunted my entire day. I am 34...nearly. I have dated women exclusively for a decade. Prior to that I knew I was attracted to women from the time I was 17. However, I hadn't realized my ho-hum YAWN feelings towards the men I dated or had...what some elders might refer to as ..."relations" with meant that I was gay. It never crossed my mind. Until it did. Then it REALLY crossed my mind. Ha Ha Ha. I have had a few serious long term relationships with women. One of those resulted in an engagement, however, in retrospect, perhaps it was the sheer mortality fear of living in NYC during 2001 that led to a rushed engagement to someone who was at times lovely but not the love of my life. It's a blur 7 years later. Looking back, it was so intense that I can not remember it in my mind's eye as clearly as it really happened.
But I digress , the dream you see wasn't about her. The dream, a truly vivid remarkable one.... hmm. You see, I do not dream. Atleast I never remember any of my dreams. A handful in 34 years. That is all. I remember one from when I was 14, one from the weeks after my dog passed several years ago, and this one. This dream was about him. The him that sprung into my life like an odd flat note in a song. At first it seems out of place and just wrong... then you keep listening and your ear realizes that the flat note is the unique piece that makes the song.
3 months... secrecy. No one knew. Okay, 4 or 5 people knew. The rest we hid it from because we worked together and didn't want the drama. We didn't like eachother when we met. I found him twitchy, pale, arrogant in a way that was pedestrian. He thought I was "just a bird". See, that is what I mean. What white american midwestern male uses the term "bird" as if he's a righteous brit? We dealt with eachother. Humored eachother's diatribes until one day when my eastern spirituality and his eastern spirituality came up in conversation. We raised eyebrows at the other and then began to listen to each other. One night we had a movie and take out night at his apartment... three of us from work. The one with the crush on me grew tired and decided to sleep on the couch. How polite to leave me with the floor. At this point mr twitchy and I were finding common ground but still nowhere close to great pals. He was polite enough to offer space in his bed, with no intentions. Seriously, there were no intentions. We slept and at some point we woke up at the same time, facing each other, our eyes locked. I felt infinite. I knew then that he and I had a connection older than us. We continued to stare at each other until eventually it became an embrace. 3 months.
3 months and he met a woman in a bar, she pursued him relentlessly and he dumped me unapologetically in a note on my door, days after my birthday. I remember knowing deep down but laying in bed alone and praying for him to "just please not marry her". Yes, they married. I think they are still married. I am not sure. I moved from that place the following year and while he is in my thoughts, I have never seen him since leaving.
Funny that I dream of him. I am gay. To some of you, many of you, you may not understand how a woman can say she is gay but admit relations and a past love for a man. It is simple, you have your preference or leanings and then, if you believe in eastern philosophies at all, well then... it opens the world to confusion. As an eastern follower and someone who believes in reincarnation... how can I say that a soul partner will only come back as a man or a woman or a human for that matter. Now when I say that, a soul partner does not mean a lover per se. We can be blessed in our lives with connections that are unexplainably wondorous .... we just feel in our bones that these individuals, whether human or animal, have been intertwined with us before. The love I had for that man from a decade ago does still haunt me. I have a photo of him which I shot on one of the first nights we truly saw each other. Perhaps it was even that first night. He said it was the only photo that ever really captured him. When I look at it now it feels as if he looks right into me. Still.
Strange but wonderful. To have memories of such intense connections. To have had such intense connections. Strange...but wonderful.
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